Lady Be Good

This fall, with so much conflict in the world, I have resolved to connect my body with the rhythm and lyrics of live music as much as possible. Rock music has been one of my most useful self-soothing techniques for decades.

When I was 20 years old, I lived on top of a beautiful hill in Jerusalem. I should have been happy. But I had what I called A Fall. 

I was okay all summer at the language immersion program, and relatively fine during Sukkot break. But by November I was having panic attacks when the sun set—and insomnia all night long. I seemed to never be tired, but in a state of constant vigilant awakeness.

I went through three different roommates because all seemed to be encroaching on me in an almost spiritual way.  I was terrified of what felt like boundarylessness. Words began to fail me. 

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Somehow, I needed to feel — here’s where things got super weird — an imaginary “engagement” in my mouth's upper palate before I spoke. If I spoke too easily, without the engagement, I would have a panic attack. 

There were more rituals. I had to say “be well” to a person who was leaving, and look them in the eye, or I’d have a panic attack. (I called my brother from a phone booth during one of these episodes, telling him I was dying. He taught me the phrase “panic attack.”)

By December I went into near-daily analysis with an extraordinary South African psychiatrist. She became my portal into the world of attachment theory. Books on the subject fascinated me, and inspired me. I became stronger as the spring arrived. 

But one thing remained steady in my healing. Mantra songs. 

In the late 80s and early 90s, if you were young and traveling, you were psyched to have maybe ten cassettes with you. You’d listen to them over and over on a boombox or Walkman. They’d become blended with your inner world. One of mine that year was a recording of The Velvet Underground playing “What Goes On,” live in 1969. 

The song became a mantra. When I fell into a panic attack or shame spiral because I had not hit the “be well” just right, I would sing - 

What goes on in your mind?

I think that I am falling down.

What goes on in your mind?

I think that I am upside down.

Lady, be good, do what you should, You know it will work alright.

Lady, be good, do what you should, You know it will be alright.

Singing to myself worked. The words felt like a dialogue between my soul and the part of myself called “lady,” the one who was thinking she was falling down. My soul—my “Self energy”—soothed her. Lady be good, do what you should it you know it will work alright.

Mantras can be an essential part of self-soothing. Beautiful words and phrases and lyrics, repeated and made your own, can talk straight to the nervous system. They don’t need to make sense. They just need to touch something in you, open something up. 

A simple thing you can do for yourself right now: call to mind a song or fragment you love. Sing it to yourself. Over and over. And watch what happens. No cassettes required. 

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