John Bowlby: Even if it's So Hard, Connect to Your Parts.
From the moment we’re born, human beings are hardwired to reach for comfort, closeness, and care. We don’t just want connection—we need it.
We don’t seek closeness just to feel good; we need it to feel whole.
This is the great insight of John Bowlby, the psychiatrist who developed attachment therapy.
He observed that when caregivers attune to a baby’s needs, something profound happens. The baby learns that the world is safe and that human beings are allowed to need things. This is what Bowlby called secure attachment.
But if those early experiences were inconsistent—if a baby encounters what Bowlby called “disruptions in attachment”—we improvise. We do the best we can. We figure things out. We carry on.
We lug those early templates of connection and disconnection around for a very long time.
Three words can be yours.
Clarity. Courage. Commitment.
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Inside each of us are “parts”—you might think of them as inner kids, inner protectors, inner voices—that, long ago, needed a hug, a witness, or just a little patience.
They might not have received the attachment they needed, so now they need it from you.
Inside you, always, is a Self—a steady, compassionate, and calm presence that can never be hurt or destroyed.
You don’t have to spend years in lotus position to find it like a Buddhist nun. You don’t have to earn it like a determined Protestant. You don’t have to build it like a Silicon Valley entrepreneur.
It’s already there. You just have to give it a little room.
So what does all this look like in real life?
It might be:
Taking a breath before jumping to fix or judge yourself
Saying "I understand!" instead of “Ugh, what’s wrong with me?”
Letting a younger scared-to-death part feel seen—even if just for a moment
This isn’t about digging through your past or rewriting your childhood. It’s about giving yourself the attachment and attention your parts need:
You matter. I’m here. I’ve got you.
Next time you feel a little tender, overwhelmed, or off… pause. And ask:
What part of me might need a little care right now?
Can I offer even 10 seconds of warmth or patience to that part?
No need to solve anything. Just tune in like you’re adjusting an old radio. That’s where secure attachment begins.
With softness and steadiness,
P.S. Are you interested in diving deep and learning about the different parts of you? Click here to sign up for a 90 Minute Breakthrough Session with me.
