You know the feeling. A voice in your head gets frantic and loud. It takes over your whole system. In a flash you’re flooded with fury or fear or despair—and there’s no you left to run the show.

I just returned from seven amazing days in Costa Rica at a retreat to study Internal Family Systems. The week was a whirlwind of feelings: loneliness, gregariousness, defensiveness, chill. When I immersed my body in a saltwater bath, I even felt euphoria.

What became clear as I lived and breathed IFS? All of my emotions—lonely, engaged, relaxed, defensive—are full-fledged personalities that work as part of an internal system. As long as I appreciate my parts that way, and hear them out, we’re all good.

But sometimes I, my Self, blended with a part. At the start of the trip, I was blended with my anxious part. In the middle, with my rawest and most vulnerable part. And then, at the end, as I was anticipating my return home, I was overwhelmed by my defensive manager. 

In those last days, I felt the need to unblend from my defensive part. Through an unblending meditation, I could see my defensiveness as tree bark—a healthy protective skin.  And I could see myself—my Self—as a wise arborist who could extend compassion to the defensive part. Once the defensive part felt seen and heard, my system relaxed. 

When I returned home, I spoke to a client who was blended with a part of him that believed his boss looked down on him. The part was short-tempered. I asked him to focus on that part of him and what it was protecting—and what would happen if it stopped protecting him. It came to him that the part had been protecting him from stiff, hierarchical, and uber-masculine situations.  

Soon, he could feel the astounding surge of Self energy that had such compassion for this protective part. It had been working so hard to protect him from unbending hierarchies. Once he unblended from this part, and gave it the attention it had been clamoring for, he was able to bring more openness and creativity into his work relationships. We’re watching how it goes but today he told me he feels his boss seems to be looking up to him. 

Unblending has proven to be one of the most important parts of IFS for me. It gives so much equanimity about my feeling—and so much admiration for how cleverly and tirelessly they’ve worked for me all these years.

If something feels overwhelming right now, it might be time for an unblending. An unblending is a great prelude to a new chapter in life. I’d love to work with you.